Sometimes it takes the view off the edge of the cliff for me to realize how powerless I am, how very dependent I am on God. I know that I’m about to leap off the cliff in a few short weeks. At the moment, here in Kingston I can rely on my family and church and friends to support me and affirm me and be a landing pad for me.

Once I head to Texas, I’m completely dependent on God for everything. It’s an exhilarating, terrifying journey of faith. But God has brought me through this year triumphant, and when I look back, I gain the perspective I need in order to move forward.

So here’s a brief year in review:

In 2011 I had an incredible year of learning – life learning, spiritual learning, relational learning, and vocational and educational and physical and emotional…. I stand back and am stunned. Stunned. Stunned.

Who am I that God would bless me with this year?

God provided me with a job, where from January to June I worked at Tim Hortons, spending half my time working the day shift and the other the night shift.

From my wages and the incredible support of church, friends, and family, I travelled to Nepal and India on a life-changing, eye opening mission trip. God empowered and enabled my team and I to minister to over 20,000 people and see nearly 5,000 salvations and dozens of healings. I’m overwhelmed by the friends I made in other countries and the things God revealed to me on the trip.

Who am I? Who am I that God would bless me with the privilege to go and preach the gospel?

Immediately after the trip,  it was as though God whispered to me, “Come here. I’m not finished with you yet. You think I’ve blessed you so far? You haven’t seen anything yet. Wait until you see what I have for you next.”

Three weeks after I returned, my wonderful brother John married my beautiful, kind, talented sister-in-law, Cassandra.

Two days after that, I boarded a plane bound for Texas, where God fulfilled a dream I’d had for five years as I began to attend the Honor Academy.

These past few months, I’ve worked in the Global Expeditions call center; recruiting, enabling, equipping  and preparing adults to serve as leaders on mission trips. My call team set some ground-breaking all-time records for GE Leadership Development and put on the December 3 Garden Valley TrueNorth Leadership Seminar, which 74 leaders attended (up from 55 last year).

I took eight classes ranging from Ethics and Leadership to Old Testament Survey to Portfolio Papers to Women’s Growth. Through some newfound determination and studying, I earned a 3.75 GPA.

I’ve also had the opportunity to live with three other girls (Sherry Leung, Tika Storm, and Coco Lozano) who have encouraged me, prayed for me, and challenged me in my walk with God; who have taught me about living in community, about compromise and love and FUN. I met my wonderful Accountability Partner, Amber Leyba, as well as the rest of the girls in my Core – Ashley Favichia, Sarah Tapp, and Christiean Guittierez. I’ve learned so much from each and every one of these women. We’re very different people, but each of them are so beautiful and their lives show me something entirely different about God. I simply love them.

I’ve been mentored and challenged by my Core Advisor, Abigail Lopez, and have gained much wisdom and insight from my brother Core Advisor, Dominic Zimmerman. My Honor Academy brothers have taught me the difference between boys and men – these Men of God have challenged my view of men and encourage me with their lifestyle to be a better, stronger woman of God.

I also served in the Shattered Clay theatre ministry, where as a whole we put on five performances (four short skits for the Week of the Ring and one Christmas play). I worked with Jake Audette and Kate McClain on the Shattered Clay Writing Team to nearly complete plotting the spring play. We still have far to go, but I’m really excited to keep working on it until it’s excellent!

It’s been an incredible four months so far, and though a lot of what has happened has happened through hard work, God enables me to do what I’ve been doing. If it weren’t for Him, I wouldn’t have been able to make any of my financial deadlines. If it weren’t for Him, I wouldn’t have had the confidence to step out in faith and leave Canada for Texas. If  it weren’t for Him, I wouldn’t have gone to Nepal and India this summer and heard about the opportunity to come to the Honor Academy. If it weren’t for Him, I wouldn’t have gotten my job or moved to Ontario or anything. In Him, through Him, and to Him, I live and move and breathe.

Looking back at where I’ve come, looking back at what He has brought me through, I have courage to pick up the pace and start running towards the edge of the cliff. I know that He will catch me when I fall, or He will teach me how to fly.

Thinking back, I am so incredibly blessed to be where I am.

Looking forward, I’m so excited for what God has for me in this next year.

I can only wait and see.

—

Days like this.

Days where something seems to be missing.

Days where every breath comes with a hitch in my throat.

Days where there’s a gaping hole in the conversation, where the void has yet to be filled from where you used to be.

Days when the mourning is palpable in the air.

When the sky itself begins to softly weep, empathizing with those on the earth below; it’s great gray heart aching for those lost.

Days where all of the pride, all of the reputation and all of the walls we build up to divide each other collapse with a tremendous and terrible crash.

Days when even the coldest heart is melted and resets to human in the face of cruel and untimely death.

Days when the lazy breeze is laced with just enough ice to reach through jackets and remind the warmest body of its fragility.

Days when my soul bleeds ink from wounds half-healed.

Days when I suddenly realize that this all happened years ago…

Once

Not so very long ago

I wept

I mourned

I danced

I sang

I laughed until my stomach hurt

I cried until my ocean of tears ran dry

I prayed until my knees ached

I hugged until my arms had no more strength

You died

I LIVED

Has it been so long?

Have I forgotten what it means to live?

Have I forgotten what it means to die?

Have I begun to break my red-carnation promise?

Have I forgotten my sunflower vow?

Have I forgotten the mountain view?

The view from your graveside was the most breathtaking sight I had ever seen. Beneath the old oak trees and overlooking the valley of trees, with Mount Rainer jutting up defiantly into the piercing blue sky. I wanted to weep at its beauty, to laugh at the irony. Instead, I prayed. And I was not ashamed.

My brother in Christ. My new friend. My happy memory. My lost opportunity. My failure. My moment not seized. My purple bandana.

My, oh my.

Days like these remind me of you.

Days like these remind me to live. To live neon. To wear purple. To run up the stairs and jump on couches and give spinning love hugs and laugh and cry and run until the sharp autumn air whistles through me teeth and I fall down in piles of leaves with the world spinning around me

So brilliantly

So abundantly

So magnificently

So blessedly

ALIVE.

I’m here.

I’m finally here.

It’s almost like a dream come true.

Actually, it is a dream come true.

I’ve wanted to come to the Honor Academy for the last five years, and I’m finally, finally here.

It’s been one full week now, and I’m still amazed that it happened. I’ve been working and pushing myself to my limits in corporate exercise; training for my ministry placement; taking sessions about working with excellence, choosing joy, and the heavenly reward of a life spent for Jesus; participating in earth-shaking, engaging, refreshing times of passionate worship; getting to know my core (small group/roommates); learning from guest speakers like Dr. David Shibley; exploring the 450-acre campus; and generally settling in.

And it’s amazing.

I love it here. I love being surrounded by people who are as passionate (if not more) as I am about Jesus and who push me to pursue God even more.

I’m looking forward to everything that God has to teach me this year at the Honor Academy. I know that I’m grow in wisdom, vision, discipline, leadership, and excellence. I know that it’s going to be incredibly hard at times. I miss my friends and family in Kingston. But I’ve given God this year of my life to mold me and shape me in foundational ways.

Philippians 3: 12-14: Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I’m so excited about what God is going to do in my life this year, and I would love if you would partner with me as I move forward with the ministry of Teen Mania to advance the kingdom of God in the earth. I know that some of you have been wanting to know how to donate to me online, and at long last, my account is ready for that.

You can go to http://www.honoracademy.com/index.cfm/PageID/2732/index.html and select which country you are from (US or Canada), then enter my information as follows:

Sarah Brooks

613-767-9360

ID #: 2627668

After that, it’s a fairly simple process to donate using a credit card. Or, if you’d like, checks can be made out to ‘Teen Mania’ and should be mailed to:

Please ensure all donations include a sticky note with my name and ID number clearly printed. The memo line on checks should be blank in order for the donation to be tax-deductible.

I’m ludicrously excited for what is going to happen the rest of this year, but to be quite frank, I will not be able to stay unless I have the financial support. I would love if you would prayerfully consider partnering with me this year, whether financially or in regular intercession.

I’ll be keeping the blog updated weekly with my exploits at Teen Mania, so stick around! I don’t know about you, but I’m eager to see what’s going to happen next!

~Sarah

This would be my self-portrait 87.6% of the time.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I can’t handle these things. Only Jesus can.

Ever have days like this? What do you do to cope?

I’m on the move again. More to come…

You’re a good, good Father

And You love Your children

Slow to anger, abounding in love

You are so, so gracious – also merciful

How You love, how You love us all.

I’ve been thinking about worry lately. Worrying about it, actually. That I worry too much and ask too much and need too much. I think I’ve had an unconscious fear that either my need is too great for God or that my need exceeds God’s patience. Something like that.

But that kind of fear belies a belief in too small a god.

If me and my needs are too big for God, then that god is too small. And if I were frustrating God with my constant badgering Him for things, then again, I would have too small a god.

Max Lucado, in his book Fearless, wrote, “God meets daily needs daily. Not weekly or annually. He will give you what you need when it is needed. ‘Let us therefore boldly approach the throne of our gracious God, where we may recieve mercy and in His grace find timely help’ (Hebrews 4:16 NEB).”

What does this mean? God knows that I’m human. He knew what He was getting into when He called me, and He loves me just the same. I wasn’t created to live without Him. I was created to live dependent on Him, on His love, grace, and forgiveness. I was created to rely on Him for my every need, from the breath in my lungs to the complexities of everyday life.

He doesn’t begrudge me my needs. He loves that it draws me closer and closer to Him.

And I love that I don’t have to fret at the door of the throne room, holding a ragged list and vainly hoping that the king is in a good mood today.

I love that I can come directly to the throne, crawl up on my Daddy’s lap, and whisper my thanks to Him for what He’s already done – and what He continues to do.

God, teach me who You are. Show me who You really are. Thank You so much for this small revelation that You’ve given me. Thank You for Your goodness and Your patience and Your faithfulness. You are so faithful to me in everything big and small. Thank You that You are good and that Your mercies are new every morning. Help me to have patience for Your timing and provision. Help me to live a life of discipline and temperance. I want to fall more and more in love with You. You are so good.

Not so in haste, my heart!

Have faith in God and wait;

Although He linger long,

He never comes too late.

He never comes too late;

He knoweth what is best;

Vex not thyself in vain;

Until He cometh, rest.

Until He cometh, rest;

Nor grudge the hours that roll;

The feet that wait for God

Are soonest at the goal.

Are soonest at the goal;

That is not gained with speed;

Then hold thee still, my heart,

For I shall wait His lead.

We can feel the love of God in this place
We believe your goodness
We receive your grace
We delight ourselves at your table oh God
You do all things well, just look at our lives

His banner over you, his banner over me
His banner over us, it is love, love, love

Lord, my problems seem so big. The world’s problems seem so much bigger

But when I have $30,000 problems, You are not a $29,000 God. You have all the wealth and all the power and all the glory. You own the cattle on the thousand bajillion hills. You are in control.

God, take care of me. I want to spend my life worshipping You and bringing people to the saving knowledge of You, but I can’t even do that on my own.

Here’s my life. Use it for Your glory. Use it the way You know will work out for the greatest amount of glory for You.

Redeem the world, God – save us. Save us. Jesus, save.

Jesus, save.

I give You everything, Lord.

All I want is to seek Your face and pursue You. All I want is to be with You where You are. All I want is to do what You want me to do. All I want is to do what You’ve designed me to do. All I want is to do what You want me to do so that others might come to know You and love You the way I love You.

Because I do love You. In my own feeble way.

I love You, Jesus. You are worthy of all of my praise and all of my love and all of my everything.

That’s why I want to give everything to You.

You are good, and Your mercy endures forever.

I sought the Lord, and He heard me!

I sought the Lord, and He heard my cry,

And He answered me..

Faithful, You’re always faithful; true, You’re always true.

You never leave me, You’re always with me –

You’re good!

You’re good!

I thought at one point in time that I knew what God had for me.

Now I know that God’s plans are not my plans.

It was a really hard lesson – it hurt so badly to realize that I was following my own selfish ambition and slapping the label of ‘the will of God’ on it.

I’m much more hesitant to move now.

Despite this, I had the growing sensation at the beginning of the summer that God was telling me to get moving – but at the time, I had no idea where.

I have more to say on the subject. However, I want to leave this post as a reminder to actually be still and know that God is God.

And that is that.

You’ll never leave me;

You’re always with me.

You’re good!

You’re good!

Nothing in this post is original. I just saw something really fantastic on Carlos Whittaker’s blog, Ragamuffin Soul, today.

It’s a creative writing exercise. You look at the photo above and are supposed to write a seven word response (and only seven – no going over or under) encapsulating what you feel when you see that picture.

Mostly, people wrote things like

‘What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger,’

‘There is much beauty in her strength,’

‘You can’t stop this. Shut your mouth,’ and

‘Much has changed.. sadly much has not.’

Here are some that really spoke to me:

‘I wonder where we do the same.’

‘We will all worship together in heaven.’

‘I am no better than anyone else.’

‘Without love, I’m like a clanging cymbal.’

‘I am so sorry… that was me.’

This was my personal favorite:

‘Glad nobody’s immortalized my stupidity on film.’

Huh.

Interestingly enough, there is a picture of this woman and the woman screaming directly behind her in an embrace. It hangs up in the student union of Indiana University. It was taken only a few years ago
.
Hate got lost in love.

Any thoughts?

Does this look normal to you?

There is coming a day when the Bridegroom is taken away,

And in that day they will mourn;

In that day they will fast.

Things are not okay right now..

And they won’t be ‘till you come back!

I will embrace the ache of a lovesick heart.

There seems to be this unspoken hesitancy in the American church when discussing complete intimacy with Jesus.

I’ve only recently identified it in myself very recently (think ten minutes ago while brushing my teeth) – when people talk to me about having an intimate relationship with the heavenly Bridegroom, Jesus, I feel nervous and oppressed at the same time.

The issue, of course, is obvious – so obvious, in fact, that you just might have missed it.

How do you have an intimate relationship with someone you can’t see?

It’s not an issue of “does God exist” – He’s shown Himself to me in some amazing non-visual ways and I know that I know that I know that God is real.

It’s an issue of “Jesus is supposed to be my Lover, my Husband, my Bridegroom – how do I love someone I cannot physically see?”

That’s the thing, isn’t it? No one seems to mention this all-important fact.

I think I feel the way I feel in these kinds of discussions because it seems like every other Christian has figured out a way around the issue, and I’m the only one lagging behind.

Of course, we’ve all heard stories of people who’ve had amazing, life-changing visions of Jesus and angels and heaven and that is absolutely fantastical. We’ve heard stories of people who go to pray and just sit there while God speaks volumes to them about life, the universe, and everything (these are the stories that make me feel lovely and condemned for not being a super-Christian).  We know that Jesus absolutely communicates with His bride.

Personally, I can count the number of times I’ve heard God speak to me in the still, small voice on my hands. I’d like to think I know some things about Jesus, and the more I learn about Him the more I love Him. I’ve physically felt His presence and seen what happens when He moves, but darn it, that’s hard to base a full marriage relationship on!

Well, gee, haven’t some things been said about long-distance relationships?

This is what I realized while listening to “Mourning for the Bridegroom” and brushing my teeth.

We were never meant to live like this. We weren’t meant to live apart from our Bridegroom. We’re supposed to live together and physically see each other face-to-face and delight in one another’s presence for eternity.

Things aren’t like that now, but we shouldn’t settle for this!

We can’t settle for a long-distance relationship when we were meant to gaze on the beauty of our Lover forevermore!

Beloved (I say that addressing the church, the beloved of Jesus, the Lover of our souls), it’s just not how we were made.

But the fact is, we are apart right now. Jesus is physically in heaven while we are physically on earth, and though He delights to speak to us and reveal Himself to us in visions and manifest His presence in us, we aren’t living in the perfect, face-to-face relationship that God had in mind from the beginning – the kind of relationship He had with Adam and Eve.

So, what now?

Now, we discover that it’s okay to not be content with not being able to see Jesus.

Now, we discover that it’s okay to long for more.

Now, we “embrace the ache of a lovesick heart” and pray for Jesus to come quickly.

But in the meantime, we must continue labouring (by our Husband’s strength) to raise up His complete and perfect Bride.

Things are not okay right now.

And they won’t be ‘till You come back.

I will embrace the ache of a lovesick heart.

Thank you, Jesus, that You desire more for me.

Thank you that You’ve placed those desires in my heart – that it’s okay to want more of You.

Come quickly, Jesus.

Raise up Your Bride.

What do you think? Have you ever wanted something from God that you felt like you couldn’t (or shouldn’t) ask for?

(By the way, things are going better than okay with my living situation right now… more on that later. This is just a super-cool thing Jesus dropped into my heart last night. ~S)