It brings me some small degree of amusement that by the time that I remember my password I have exceeded the daily login attempts. It takes about that long.
Let’s review. Today on the productivity scale was fairly good. I managed about maybe 7 chapters in Matthew and 8 in Mark. Missed the morning brunch due to poor planning, but I spent that time at home preparing for the day and engaging my heart. Spent some quality time with some girls in small group despite missing out on studying. Did well on a quiz and took forever to get home. Shut my brain off for a few hours on the bus and at home. Didn’t do much around the house but I did dig in and review 3.5 chapters in economics.
I got stuff done. More than I have in prior days. So why do I still have a blehness in my spirit? This is the part where I realize that it is dehydration. I can check as many things off on my list as possible and without God it will all be vanity. More than reading, more than singing, more than consciously shutting my brain off. I need to dig in with God. And that requires a bit more intentionality than I’ve been offering in these few weeks.
Where do I want to grow? Down. Deep. To root myself in Christ that I might whether every storm. It won’t always be rainy season. Drought will come, and I need those hundred-year roots in order to reach the living water that flows deep within.
The question becomes, how do I manage that?
We’re going to start with this consistency thing and go from there.
Part of a series of ongoing reflections for small group.
Today was many things.
Today was stress and failure and realizing that I was not as prepared as I would have liked to have been for this whole college-y thing.
Today was trial and error and error and error.
Much of this week has been discovering ways that I am not sufficient to do things on my own. I can’t lead a small group on my own wisdom or drive. I can’t do the Christian walk on my own strength. I can’t plan my time or force things to happen at the time that is convenient for me or develop character at my own pace or anything.
But I’m not alone. And I’m loved. And I’m cherished in this moment, right now. From my humidity-frizzy head to my road-weay feet. Cherished all over the place.
Jesus, Kinder Kidz. I didn’t know at the time of writing this script that you would have these words spoken to me – that you love me and thatwhile you are excited for the next stage of my development, you enjoy me and you want me to enjoy the phase that I am in right now – to soak up the experiences and lean into the growing pain and breath deep these moments, these little wonders.
And I am so in love with your creation. You wired me for worship and I exult in your creation. I’m thrilled by the colours and every time I think back to the way that I would long for a New England fall – every time I think back and realize that you know the desires of my heart and brought me to a place where my heart would delight in you – every time I breathe in the sweet wildness of fall and watch golden leaves adrift on the wind –
I am thankful. I can let go of my need to control in light of my creator who knows what stirs my heart. You know what I want and what is best for me. And you will bring everything about in its fullness. And you don’t forget about those secret desires and longings, even when I have locked them away and forgotten them.